I'm a fighter
by ASongtobesung
Summary: nope


The blonde mutant sat down on the large chair in the front of her living room. Looking out over the quiet street from her fourth floor apartment she put the white headphones labeled L and R in their respective ears and pressed play on the button. "I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house. That don't bother me." Came the country song that she must've been listening to during her run through the finally warm Chicago air. The song made her cringe as she kept on listening to the lyrics, more closely than she probably ever had. "I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while." While Illyana knew that this was meant to appeal the a general audience, she couldn't help but feel her heart wrench at the words which seemed to apply to her and her alone. "Even though going on with you gone still upsets me. There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay. But that's not what gets me" Damned Rascal Flatts, she thought to herself as a glass flew of the granite kitchen counter and collided with the front door, she wondered if shards of glass were embedded in the door, just like shards of glass were embedded in the little boy from the Snow Queen fairytale's heart. "What hurts the most was being so close. And having so much to say." It wasn't on her finger, but the feeling of where her wedding ring should have been drove a stake into her heart. "And watching you walk away. And never knowing what could have been." More glasses hurdled themselves across the room and struck the door, luckily her neighbors weren't home at this time of day and Autumn wouldn't be home for several hours, she was at a pre-school that didn't teach Russian, a school that would be a much better support system than an alcoholic mutant mother with psychological issues. "And not seeing that loving you is what I was tryin' to do." He had been blind to her for so long, it always seemed to her that half his mind was elsewhere while she was standing next to him. It had taken a lot of courage for her to finally tell him to leave, that she was better off without him, but now that she was in a head first dive towards rock bottom, she wondered if that's really what was right for her- right for Autumn- her happiness didn't matter as much as the little girl's did. But she never asked questions, always knew that if she wanted to know about the dark haired man who used to be in the pictures that hung over the apartment, she'd go to another person. Not her mother. "It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go. But I'm doin' it." She took several deep breaths, once he got back from Asgard he had changed, she learned from her best friend, the Captain, that they had had a conversation while he was locked up where he had informed the soldier that their mutual love interest was still alive. Alive and in a hospital, once Illyana had gotten ahold of this information, she was armed with it when he walked in her door a full six months after Thor had released him from his prison, she knew where he had been and wasn't easy on him. Illyana picked up white phone and scrolled though her songs, sick of the country song that made her feel remorse for what she had done, stupid song; it wasn't supposed to make her feel remorse for telling someone to leave.

"Well I thought I knew you, thinkin' that you were true. Guess I, I couldn't trust, called your bluff time is up." Were the first lyrics of the song that made Illyana smile, this song described her to a T, it was the right song for her situation. She could remember seeing the shock on his face when she unraveled his lies, hands clenched as he kept spewing lies even when there was no chance that she would believe them. "'Cause I've had enough," she remembered saying that to him each time he said he was finished with her. That's what he said every single time, what he said when he returned from being tortured by RedRoom five month later and he just happened to find her in a bar and stay with her while she tended to his wounds and helped him heal- had she not done that countless times? Did he think that she was somehow incapable of dealing with the injured or broken? That aggravated her the most though, if she was to be honest, he never thought she was as powerful as she was, he always second guessed her and tried to protect her from things that she had seen many times before. "After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that I hold resentment for you." Christina's beautiful voice echoed through her headphones while the drums banged in each ear. When Illyana had begun her relationship with him –yes she started it– she knew what his reputation with women was. 'You can't change a man like that.' Her friends told her, but she was determined to. With each year, she felt like she was succeeding until word came back to her, he had slept with her friends and women from his past.

"'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do, I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through." That line was the one that hit closest to home for her, with all those women talking about her and her ability to hold together her family behind her back, it took all of Illyana's strength and more to walk past them on the street and even work with them on missions. Then there were the women themselves, looking them in the eyes hurt Illyana, they had betrayed her trust and they had the audacity to smile at her and pretend to be friendly, while most of them were criticizing the fact that she knew and hadn't divorced him yet. "Makes me that much stronger. Makes me work a little bit harder. It makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter. Made me learn a little bit faster. Made my skin a little bit thicker. Makes me that much smarter, so thanks for making me a fighter." Illyana didn't even hear the words though; she just felt the power behind him. She believed in him, or at least she had at the beginning, but each late night, each forgotten date caused the blonde Russian to question everything about the man she had married. "I heard you're going round playing the victim now, but don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame. 'Cause you dug your own grave." To all their friends he acted as if she had been the one to blame, and while she wasn't blameless, a one-night stand after getting drunk was nothing compared to all the sins he had committed. Each time she had confronted him, he said they meant nothing; that his love was only for her. 'Bullshit!' She remembered yelling at him when he told her one of his lies. 'I could never lie to you,' that was his favorite one, and for years she believed him, thinking that everything would be all right. But when he walked into her apartment, looking nothing like Thor had said he would when he was released from prison –short hair, clean-shaven, without any wounds – she knew where he had been, and the impression of a badge stuck in his jacket pocket against his chest confirmed it for her.

With each passing minute she became more and more upset, he really was like all the other Gods, philandering with other women and leaving one at home to raise the children. She was no better than a nanny. In that moment she swore she would never let him back in once he walked out the door, and after a few hours worth of arguing, he walked out –with the intention of coming back once she had calmed down or fell asleep, but she taped her wedding rings to the front door with a note that said 'never come back' and warded the entire house from him so he couldn't get in. That was the end of her relationship with him, and despite the fact that she always took him back and forgave him, she had reached the end of her rope. "I am a fighter and I ain't gonna stop. There is no turning back, I've had enough."


End file.
